The #1 Mindset Shift You Must Make After Divorce (Before You Turn Into Someone You Hate)
If you’re still angry at her, you’re still married to her.
This edition is for you if:
a) You’re still clutching onto that grudge like it’s your lifeline.
b) You keep waiting for that apology that’s never coming.
c) You’re stuck in the past, convinced it’s ruining your future.
If you’re ready to stop letting your ex hold real estate in your head and start living for yourself (and your kids), keep reading.
A flirty message flashed across her screen.
Just like the ones I used to send when we first fell in love.
But it wasn’t from me. Before I could think, my hand moved toward it—some desperate, unseen force pulling me in. My chest tightened, my pulse hammering in my ears. Betrayal and grief hit me like a gut punch.
She had already moved on, and the weight of that realization crushed me. And then came the anger.
How could she wreck my world and walk away unscathed? It wasn’t fair.
That bitterness ate at me for years.
Don’t let it consume you too.
You’ve cast yourself as the victim
Sustaining the grudge against my ex was expensive.
Not just in therapy bills, but in wasted energy, torched business opportunities, and poor health outcomes. It infected my relationships. I started smoking—I had never smoked before. My life was a shambles.
And I blamed her.
"How could she do this to me!?"
I was a victim. No—I made myself a victim. Carried that grudge around like a backpack full of bricks.
I was almost proud to wear it. It felt righteous. Everywhere I went, people gave me sympathy.
But carrying this victim mindset around was exhausting.
It didn’t serve the kind of man I wanted to be. The kind of father I needed to be.
Resentment is like a splinter in your foot. At first, you can ignore it. But it’s always there—nagging, painful, screwing up how you walk. Leave it long enough, and it festers. Infects everything.
Wait too long, and the foot needs amputating.
Pull. The. Splinter. Out.
Grudges are like bad employees
They do nothing but drag the whole business down.
Productivity tanks. Profit margins collapse. They act like they’re helping, but they’re secretly ruining everything.
So ask yourself—if you were the CEO of your life, how long would you let a shitty employee stick around before you fired them?
Holding onto resentment is like keeping that useless, toxic employee on payroll.
I let mine run the show. My thoughts were like a playlist stuck on repeat:
This isn’t fair.
She stole my future.
My life is ruined.
Over and over.
That mental loop became my reality. A self-imposed prison. Stories that blocked me from moving forward.
I couldn’t enjoy being a dad. Couldn’t go for a run. Couldn’t put down the cigarettes.
I desperately wanted to feel loved again. To prove to myself I was still desirable. But I reeked of victim energy, repelling any romantic opportunities before they could begin.
You can’t attract what you want while you’re still employing your grudge.
Ask yourself—what job did you hire yours to do?
Restore control?
Justify your anger?
Give you someone else to blame?
Grudges only do one thing: they turn your pain into a prison.
Time to fire the grudge. Time to forgive.
(This is the work we do in the Dad Dojo—helping you break free from the past and plot out your next chapter with clarity and purpose)
Forgiveness is a tactical advantage
It’s selfish.
And that’s why it works.
Forgiveness isn’t for her. It’s for you.
Here’s the hard truth:
If you’re still angry at her, you’re still married to her.
You’re holding on to your hurt because, deep down, you’re clinging to the relationship.
But that bitterness keeps you chained to the past. Draining you. Stealing the energy you need to rebuild. Letting old wounds write your future.
It hands your ex way more power than she should have. It lets her define your life, your choices, and—worst of all—the example you’re setting for your kids.
Blame her all you want but know that it takes a toll. On you. Your mental health. Your kids.
Children caught in constant parental conflict suffer emotionally, socially, and academically. The grudge you’re nursing is bleeding into their future.
Divorce isn’t just a breakup. It’s a lifelong co-parenting contract. That means you have two choices:
Spend the next decade fighting over every little decision.
Find a way to move forward that doesn’t involve a judge, a courtroom, and a childhood filled with unnecessary drama.
Your kids didn’t ask for this split. The least you can do is make sure they don’t have to suffer because of it.
It doesn’t have to be a shit-show
And you don’t have to “win”.
Divorce has a reputation for screwing kids up. But that’s not inevitable. What actually messes them up?
Watching their parents act like enemies in a warzone. Seeing you weaponize them. Feeling like they have to pick sides.
People will tell you to "get a good lawyer." And sure, sometimes legal support is necessary. But is that the road you really want to go down? Do you actually want to fight?
Or do you want something better—both parents showing up to teacher conferences, cheering from the stands at hockey games, celebrating birthdays, graduations, and weddings together?
If you don’t figure out how to work with your ex, you’re stuck fighting against her.
And the battlefield? Your kids.
You must love who your kids love
You don’t have to like her.
You don’t have to agree with what happened.
But you do have to let it go.
Even if they betrayed you. Even if they broke your heart.
I know it’s scary.
Forgiveness seems too generous—like surrendering. Like baring your throat.
But trust me—it’s not weakness. It’s the greatest thing you can do for your children.
"One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother." — Howard W. Hunter
The first time I read this quote, my gut reaction was: Well, that rules me out. That opportunity died with our divorce. So fuck that stupid advice.
It hit hard. It made me sad that I couldn’t give that to my kids.
But then I sat with it. And I realized something.
It doesn’t change. If anything, it becomes more important. More powerful.
That doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine or ignoring your pain. It means not letting bitterness leak into your parenting. It means being grateful for what you’ve accomplished together. Giving the world the gift of your children.
And if you still need convincing, let me make this simple:
What do you get in return for forgiving?
More energy for your goals, fitness, and personal growth.
Less emotional whiplash. More control.
A brain that isn’t drowning in toxic mental clutter.
A better relationship with your kids.
Less drama with your ex, which means fewer headaches.
More self-respect.
More patience.
Less stress. Better sleep. A future that isn’t dictated by your past.
In short—everything you actually want.
Forgiveness is the fastest way to get there.
Yes, even that should be forgiven
She cheated. Tried to take the kids. Tore your life apart.
Doesn’t matter.
Your life will not get better until you do this.
Forgiveness isn’t for the fainthearted. It’s brave, intentional work. It will challenge every part of you.
But the real question is—how much do you value your future over your past?
This is your turning point.
You can keep letting resentment eat at you. Keep carrying that backpack full of bricks. Keep giving your ex free real estate in your head.
Or you can drop it. Fire the grudge. Walk away.
What comes next is freedom. Hope. Peace.
Not just with your ex—but with yourself.
“I want to, but I’m not ready yet…”
That’s cool. I get it. It’s fucking hard.
You don’t have to arrive there yet, but the sooner you choose the direction of travel, the better.
When you’re ready, here’s what I want you to do:
1. Define Your Co-Parenting Goal – Ask yourself: “If my kid described how I handle co-parenting, what do I want them to say?” Use that to define your goal.
2. Practice Emotional Agility – When resentment flares up, pause. Name what you're feeling (“This is frustration, not fact”), take a breath, and respond with intention—not impulse.
3. Listen First, React Later – Before responding, reflect back what she said: “So what I’m hearing is…” This lowers defenses and sets the stage for actual problem-solving.
And for fuck’s sake—stay off Messenger.
The last thing you want is a text war that turns you both into toddlers with keyboards. Ignore bait. Keep messages for logistics. Hard conversations? Phone or face-to-face. You don’t have to win.
Be like water, my friend.
One more thing
Despite everything, no matter what went down, you and your ex did something incredible together.
You created actual human beings.
No matter how hurt you feel right now, that’s something worth respecting.
Now, I need to warn you—forgiveness is gonna hurt too.
Your grudge has been a shield. Guarding you from emotions you don’t want to deal with.
Beneath the surface lies grief. Sadness. Fear. Buried but unresolved.
When you release the resentment valve, those emotions will rise to the surface. It’s gonna feel messy. Painful. Like shaking up a snow globe full of pain you thought had settled.
And forgiveness isn’t a one-and-done thing. It’s a habit. A muscle you have to build. You’ll have to choose it over and over again until it becomes the default.
But don’t worry—you’ll get plenty of opportunities to practice.
90 days from now, you could be more confident, taking bigger risks, and fully enjoying fatherhood—with a clear head, free from constant negativity. I’ll show you how.
If you want my no-BS roadmap for rebuilding confidence after divorce, I’ve created a FREE email course to get started.
Start here →Let's F**king Go!
For more dadsplaining, check out my last edition. I shared how to assemble your own personal Avengers to help you climb back to happiness:
